It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

Chapter 8 explores the challenges and strategies involved in healing while remaining in relationships with narcissistic individuals. It offers an approach to dealing with difficult relationships that one cannot easily exit, focusing on self-care, boundary setting, and emotional survival.

Pauline’s story illustrates a common scenario faced by many who find themselves inextricably linked to narcissistic relationships due to family, work, or other unavoidable ties. She manages a narcissistic adult child and a demanding job under a narcissistic manager, all while caring for a narcissistic father and her enabling, medically fragile mother. Despite the daily grief and exhaustion, Pauline finds joy in small, controlled aspects of her life like gardening, her dog, and solitude. This emphasizes the chapter’s message—that finding personal fulfillment and maintaining one’s mental health are crucial.

Durvasula emphasizes that staying in relationships with narcissists requires changing the rules of engagement to avoid further harm. This involves acknowledging that these relationships might not change, and that personal healing needs to occur within the constraints of existing dynamics. She outlines several levels of engagement from intense (staying in toxic marriages or close contact with narcissistic parents) to milder forms of contact (keeping in touch with difficult friends or family members who are not closely involved in one’s daily life).